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予人玫瑰，手有余香：加拿大新天地工作移民诚聘求职顾问&行业导师！

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予人玫瑰，手有余香：加拿大新天地工作移民诚聘求职顾问&行业导师！

修改篇，，(是否最后一段不要?) 请提意见。。。谢谢

annayin(??)

Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath;

Here my sail is in the line
with my heart staying behind,
So much I miss my mermaid,
the sweet surrender;

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
The tides flux,
can you see?

Here I awake from my dream
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
her soft melody.

Here I search after your gleam
with lavender vainly sigh,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her soft caress.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea.
Life is short,
Love will flee.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
When stars fall,
life is as onion and tea.

(#2154113@0)
Last Updated: 2005-3-2
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枫下拾英 / 乐韵书香 / 知道这里音乐和歌词高人多，现写了一首歌词，是个音盲，借问各位有否前景，请Blur, 伪劣等板砖，你们知道我，素来不怕的说。。。 -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 {551} (#2152033@0)
Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky
Here I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath;

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
Let us dance
I will wipe off your tear.

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
tides flux my promise,
mermaid, can you see?

Here i awake in my dream
with the stars up in the sky,
here I miss my mermaid,
and her soft melody.

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea.
Life is too short,
Love only stands seconds,

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
When stars fall,
life is as onion and tea.

哈哈，Cool，你知道吗，英文歌是最好写得，而且什么旋律都可以配唱，因为英文本身没有音调。你的歌好可爱，可以考虑弄成儿歌什么的:) -blur(不安的流星，何时坠落); 2005-3-1 (#2152079@0)

她还写过一首很好的歌词。不过找不到合适的配乐和人来演绎，有点可惜。 -haha168(夜雨行路人); 2005-3-1 (#2152103@0)
In your view, to write a song must have the music first or the words? This is not for 儿歌 for sure. I may write another for kids. Thanks. -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 (#2152110@0)

其实我第一遍看的感觉也象儿歌，或者是teenager的歌。再看一遍，还是不知道成年人要用什么情感去唱。 -x888(做好国人，上班不唰网); 2005-3-1 (#2152119@0)

That I have no idea since I have no sense of music. But I felt it could be a good song. -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 (#2152130@0)

写歌先有词还是先有曲有点像先有鸡还是先有蛋，但都没有关系，先有词的最后词可能会有改动。 -blur(不安的流星，何时坠落); 2005-3-1 (#2152240@0)

11, this is supposed to be a love song, u blind...hahaha -expertune(伪劣); 2005-3-1 (#2152116@0)

I only have some love inside my heart when I was a child so.....I call it儿歌。 -blur(不安的流星，何时坠落); 2005-3-1 (#2152248@0)

写得好。我觉得类似 Back Street Boy 的基调可以配合这个歌词。我很喜欢听原创歌曲，大家加油。 -haha168(夜雨行路人); 2005-3-1 (#2152089@0)

When I listen to Bressanon 's wolf, I wrote this.... -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 {177} (#2152121@0)
I feel some melody inside as my another one "Such a feeling", originally I felt it as singing.
Thanks. I am a little serious of this song, I hope it really could make a song.

First of all, I am not "高人" at all. :-) amateur only. I don't write a lot, or should I say, I can't write good stuff. -expertune(伪劣); 2005-3-1 {457} (#2152097@0)
Anyway, here's my 2 cents:

The lyrics sounds good, rhythm is good over all. Good job IMHO.

But u might wanna add another silmilar paragraph after this one
"Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky
Here I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath; "
for each section(two total, right?). Two verses + chorus "Wo...."

And maybe change some words at the end of some sentences to make it more.....
such as "melody", "seconds"

Thanks. I will try to add more. -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 (#2152107@0)

Don't take it seriously, I mean, Don't take my words seriously. That's just sort of popular format. Good songs are not "normal" anyway. -expertune(伪劣); 2005-3-1 (#2152122@0)

Yes. I know your meaning. Thanks. -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 (#2152126@0)

伪劣动手吧，写儿歌和情歌你最拿手。我只会写另类歌曲。 -blur(不安的流星，何时坠落); 2005-3-1 (#2152253@0)

枫下传奇一点也不另类啊：） -789(蓝草莓); 2005-3-1 (#2153249@0)

我的一些看法和建议 -haha168(夜雨行路人); 2005-3-1 {665} (#2152256@0)
这是很典型的歌词，我读了几遍，发现音韵很好，几乎我能马上哼出来。
创意也很好。我不知道别人如何，但是用海一般的爱召唤自己的美人鱼，很深情。

作为您的尝试，我觉得您迈出了成功的第二步。

那么以下一些小建议：

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
Let us dance
I will wipe your tear.

擦干泪似乎和跳舞没有联系，没有上下文有些突然。而且概念上觉得人鱼没有眼泪。

然后整体上来说，高潮合唱部分太多。你用了平、高、高；平、高、高的格式，重复两次。通常太频繁出现歌曲高潮合唱比较容易让人耳朵疲劳。

建议使用平、平、高；平、高、高
这样比较有起伏

其实歌词的创作我一向很鼓励，也很欣赏。很多歌我都喜欢里面的歌词。

希望我们能找到一些人来演绎您的作品。

Changed a little, but how to make flat, flat, high... still need find my tune... Thanks.. -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 {542} (#2152280@0)
Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky
Here I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath;

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
Let us dance
I will make you glee.

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
tides flux my promise,
mermaid, can you see?

Here I awake from my dream
with the stars up in the sky,
here I miss my mermaid,
and her soft melody.

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea.
Life is too short,
Love will soon flee.

Wo, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
When stars fall,
life is as onion and tea.

In your mind,there will be a female song or male song?fast or slow? -blur(不安的流星，何时坠落); 2005-3-1 (#2152287@0)

male song, to call his love... -annayin(??); 2005-3-1 (#2152299@0)
male song ^_^, and first slow, then fast, i think ...... -haha168(夜雨行路人); 2005-3-1 (#2152300@0)

还有些建议： -haha168(夜雨行路人); 2005-3-1 {243} (#2152295@0)
（1）改的不错。

（2）依然是高潮合唱太多。这样整首歌似乎都是“Wo, Mermaid, come to my sea, ”缺乏起伏。

（3）“Wo, Mermaid, come to my sea, ” 虽然可以作为高潮重复句，但是重复了4次，觉得有些单调。可以尝试修改“Wo, Mermaid, ？？？？？？ ”

Do not see the link list between Mermaid and "life is as onion and tea". -tidy(大米虫); 2005-3-1 (#2152802@0)
修改篇，，(是否最后一段不要?) 请提意见。。。谢谢 -annayin(??); 2005-3-2 {672} (#2154113@0)
Here I stand in the wind
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her sweet breath;

Here my sail is in the line
with my heart staying behind,
So much I miss my mermaid,
the sweet surrender;

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
The tides flux,
can you see?

Here I awake from my dream
with the stars up in the sky,
So much I miss my mermaid,
her soft melody.

Here I search after your gleam
with lavender vainly sigh,
So much I miss my mermaid,
and her soft caress.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea.
Life is short,
Love will flee.

Oh, Mermaid,
come to my sea,
When stars fall,
life is as onion and tea.
very very very impressive! but i was a little bit sad with the end of the lyrics....emotional, but not as deeply as i had expected.....thanks for your endeavours. -potatolover(吸血鬼); 2005-3-9 (#2169172@0)

@Hawaii

修改篇，，(是否最后一段不要?) 请提意见。。。谢谢

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